There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
