So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
