I just made out with a guy for $7.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
