Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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