My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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