we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
