all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
