we're chasing vodka with high fives
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
