the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
