can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
