man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
