Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
