Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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