why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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