Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
