No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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