I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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