Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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