Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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