I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
