some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My ass is underappreciated
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
