Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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