I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
