Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
