my phone needs a breathalizer
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
