Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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