apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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