my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
