i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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