shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
