Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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