Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
someone owes me an orgasm
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
