If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
