i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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