I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
