Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
