I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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