I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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