One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
