Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
