Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
