nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
