I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
