I look better un-naked...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
