Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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