My sheets look like a crime scene.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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