Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
