We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
