The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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