Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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