Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
